Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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