I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
