This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
