Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
