my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
