Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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