Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
