the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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