i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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