now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just tell him i said nine months
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
