I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
