You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
