Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
