oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
