Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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