Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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