My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize