i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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