how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
