Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize