I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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