Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
