He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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