Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize