I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
