I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
