yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
