There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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