My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Sober January is a disaster.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
