I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
