Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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