I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
