I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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