Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
