I wish I could teleport
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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