he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
