everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
