Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
