btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Houston, we have a squirter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
