he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize