Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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