There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I cut my penus on the lid.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
