apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Are my feet made of real feet?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
