i think i have two assholes
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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