I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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