I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize