dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
