i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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