Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
