Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize