I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's Friday. Sex?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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