I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
