there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize