HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
