I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
