I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I didn't shave. On purpose
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
