my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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