I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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