So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
